That Which Does Not Kill Me: The Enormous Omelet Sandwich

I seriously don't know what came over me this morning. I woke up and the first thought that entered my head was I really ought to try that Burger King monstrosity. It's not like I've been depriving myself of quality proteins and fats. And it's not like I haven't been eating vast quantities of food, period. There's no reason for me to want to have 730 calories (410 of them from fat alone) in one sitting. And yet...it really seemed like not only a good idea, but more importantly, a necessity. And so, two hours later, that thought became a reality. I just ate The Enormous Omelet Sandwich. When Burger King announced this new item on their breakfast menu, there was a big kerfuffle about it: it was, after all, two eggs, a sausage patty, two slices of cheese, and three strips of bacon, all crammed into what Burger King refers to as a "specialty bun" -- essentially a long, sesame-seed bun used in BK's chicken sandwiches. Newscasters solemnly predicted that this sandwich would single-handedly bring down civilization. This sandwich exemplified The Problem With America. [A USA Today article about the sandwich interviewed a market analyst, who had quite possibly the best two-liner about it: "The critics will still label it food porn," says Sherri Daye Scott, editor at QSR, a fast-food industry trade magazine. "But the average male fast-food customer does not have a problem with this."] So the sandwich itself: weirdly...boring. I'm going to have to agree with the folks at mrbreakfast.com, who noted that despite having a gazillion forms of protein and fat crammed inbetween two pieces of bread, the sandwich didn't really taste like anything. The 1-2 salt punch of the cheese and bacon sort of overwhelmed the entire thing (I'm a big fan of discernible sausage in my breakfast sandwich experience), and it was just kind of ... smooshy. I think some hot sauce might have helped with the overall taste, which needed some added oomph. It just wasn't very interesting to eat. Just very big. I will confess that I did not finish the sandwich, not because of the taste but because of the general fear that I'm pretty sure any non-average, non-male fast-food customer has when faced with the daunting task of consuming 730 calories in one go. After six generous bites, I calmly rewrapped the sandwich and put it in the very fashionable all-black BK paper bag from whence it came. The bag still sits on my desk, taunting me. I suppose I could finish off the remaining 400 or so calories later this afternoon. But I guess if you're going to shell out $3.35 for a fast food breakfast sandwich, stick with the Egg McMuffin at McDonalds. It's got so much more texture, nuance, and taste (seriously). (And yes, I know I'm a terrible person.) You're all going to tell me to go to my local deli or bodega the next time I'm hankering for a fried egg sandwich, but where's the fun (or blog post) in that?